When the words Collide! Be strong!

When the words Collide! Be strong!

What was the hardest thing about having a mental illness like PTSD, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY?

I THINK it was the silence; when people discover that you suffer from mental illness, they don’t know what to say, and the conversation becomes rigid or they can become so far away.

I wish people would ask more about my emotions, I wish they would show an interest to know what I’m going through, I wish they would listen more than imply their minds on what they think I supposed to do. I wish they would allow me to share my experiences to feel that I don’t need to suffer alone. But as reality reveals, people are afraid of what they fear might come to them..

Rather than judgement within religious people that I am demonic, or judgement generally that I am an unhealthy and crazy person. In the sight of humanity, I was dehumanised.

What I discovered is that, due to my personal injuries many might not be as willing to talk as I am. As far as we know, the stigma of mental illness hurts more than the illness itself.
Somehow I am grateful because the illness had taught me well to discover the part of me which cannot be achieved by someone else who would go through the circumstances I have been. And I know that not all people suffering are as observant and as open as I am.

Within this perspective, I realised though that I have given an impression to some whom are willing to learn about mental illness and how do I manage to live life daily. I share the insights and understanding to those who didn’t experience the causes of my suffering. Isn’t that supposed to be a valuable lesson for anybody to stop giving a brand on people’s lives suffering in different ways or manner of illness mentally..

You have no Idea you hurt us bad when you are a believer and you say we are suffering from demons.

You have no idea you hurt us bad when you, without religion speaks that we are crazy, making fun of us in your private conversations and addressing us as the extra cost of society.

In this manner, I would like to send a letter to those who suffer PTSD like me. Even though you suffer depression or anxiety.. God is not as the men who judge you. He understands what you’re going through and there is a purpose that someone else should learn from you because He knows you are stronger than those who can’t afford to carry that burden.
God is with you and with the broken heart. Your wings will be restored and you will stand again. Do not be afraid to speak your mind, because I know that despite of your suffering.. You are mindful of what others would feel if you throw them the wrong word. I know you care despite the fact that it isn’t seen obviously. I know you are strong in the surface but soft beneath those lines of strong words you released.

Be brave and Be prayerful to a God who knows you more than anyone else. Don’t let your heart be frightened. Do not be afraid. God is with you wherever you go. He will never abandon you, He will uphold you and Hold you with His Righteousness.

Love and blessings
/Rochelle Rosenberg

Do not Identify from Assumptions of Others

Do not Identify from Assumptions of Others

In the assumptions of many, i was home wrecker, a bittergourd, attention seeker, or someone whom are distant. No one actually know who I am because it was never revealed to those whom are false to me. Those who assumed to know me, have never heard of my struggling and deep experience.
In their assumptions, I wouldn’t have a place for success, they did not believe in my ability. I would just be that unnoticed person whom they called “attention seeker”. And from that, it crossed my heart deeply.


But in all the stamp that people had pasted on my identity, in a moment I was hurt, I cried and screamed in the dark. But after a while I learned to use them as a tool to engage with the power of Courage and take part to the journey that will lead me towards the making of a mature individual.


I might be distant and I might not have a group of friends. But it doesn’t make me feel lonely. I know some acquaintances are near and caring to me. I am always an emotional person and swayed by all the people that loved me through it all.

I might seem very far to many by expectations, but I assure that I never needed to please anyone. I am sure hospitable but never a rub a feet to please. I am always true to everyone I meet and even to myself. Thus, God had made me strong all this years.


In all the assumptions of many, and in all the stamps I received. I never identified my self from any of it. I am confident that God will be my strength and God will be my hope in all circumstances. I have experienced to have nothing and to have more. Yet what matters to me is the growth of my spirituality.

PTSD Basics

PTSD Basics

Things you may not know about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

Nobody wants to get PTSD
Nobody asks to get PTSD
PTSD is not “our” fault. Nobody needs more abuse such as “shame blaming,” the same mental and emotional bullying already responsible for so many suicides in our world. If you don’t know what to say, please just be kind, gentle and respectful as in, “I don’t understand what you are going through but please let me know if I can help you in any way.” when something happens. Do not choose sides because it opens a clear misjudgement and you will become the third person. It can create more problems for people involved. Become a trusting link instead.

I stress out that those who have religious beliefs which seemed that mental illness are sinful natures. I absolutely do not agree because I didn’t wish to be abused as a child, I didn’t wish to be molested, I didn’t wish to be physically abused in my past relationships. And most of all, I didn’t wish to get hurt by all the words that the religious preachers had spoken to me. It is not my responsibility to be in this shape because of the unresponsible people. And take note.. I never see myself as a victim. I see myself as a survivor..

I was diagnosed with PTSD due to violent circumstances in childhood, teenage life, marital life and even in small events that creates a huge wound on my environmental growth.

My Silent Words for you!

My Silent Words for you!

If I had not come to Sweden, my life would have been different. Maybe not as good as today but I probably do not have the same feelings as I have right now. I may not have met people who hurt me and said words that tore my soul. Before I came, I had an old wound, I did not have time to grieve.

When I came to Sweden, I got to experience loneliness in a society with good food and life. A society that offered fulfillment of my dreams. However, it costs.

I met people who were not careful with their words, judging tongues with their leprosy. I met people who I thought were my friends who later, after seeing my weaknesses and mistakes, left me. A bone broken, half the heart bleeds. I had nowhere to go.

I met people with exploitative motives who wanted my fall. I met people I thought were my friends, I met people who had never believed in me.

They hurt me, they murdered me in their hearts. I cried, I screamed, I crawled in pain. The pain that no one saw physically, the pain that no one can describe, only I who know it, only I who see it.
It became my challenge after all.

In solitude, I sat in front of windows with eyes open. I look up to heaven. My thousand thoughts drew me back to where I have been. Where once, despite difficulties, I felt a sense of security. My native country. My beloved Philippines. My dearest country, my language, my people.

Alone, I thought, what am I doing here? In solitude I felt my vulnerability, I felt the feeling of death, but death did not come to me. My heart was beating like never before, and my tears were flowing freely, it was burning in my soul. I didn’t know it would feel so hard.
Very challenging. I’ve had alot to deal with. And I was by myself. Some nights during the winter I look up into the sky, awake in the middle of the night. Fascinated by the snow falling on my face, and in one second my hair was touched. The cold that tells me I am alive somehow. In the darkness of the cold winter, I speak for myself and wait for answers .. When? When will this end? And the tears ran like waterfalls. I felt, an angel touched my soul. A strength and hope from heaven.

God heard my prayers. And God comforted me. In the dark, I came to know that there is a light. And in the dark, I know the stars can shine bright for me to see. That tomorrow when I wake up, there will be a better future. And tomorrow will be another day.

After all, I also met people who loved me, liked me, hugged me, greeted me, and prayed for me. Met people who sat with me, listened to me, and held my hand without words. Some have come with a smile and gave their thoughts without condemning words. For a moment I felt that they cared without the cost.
For a little while I remembered days and nights as I whispered in the air, I know the wind brought it to heaven.

I thank you for everything you do …
I thank you for listening.
I thank you for coming by without feeling compelled.
I thank you .. For you loved me after all.
I thank you for giving me time ..
I thank you .. For sitting next to me in my solitude ..

It’s hard to feel like I do .. It’s hard to describe those feelings ..
Without words, without my body language …
You showed that you care …
Although I have not dared to say …
Deep down in my heart ..
I thank you for being there.

Om jag inte hade kommit till Sverige hade mitt liv varit annorlunda. Kanske inte lika bra som idag men jag har nog inte samma känslor som jag har just nu. Jag kanske inte ha träffat människor som sårade mig och sagt ord som rev min själ. Innan jag kom, hade jag ett gammal sår, det hade jag inte tid att sorga efter.

När jag kom till Sverige, jag fick uppleva ensamhet i ett samhälle med bra föda och livsföring. Ett samhälle som erbjöd uppfyllelse av mina drömmar. Det kostar dock.

Jag träffade människor som var inte försiktiga med sina ord, dömande tungor med sina spetälska. Jag träffade människor som jag trodde var mina vänner som senare, efter att ha setts mina svagheter och misstag, lämnade mig. Ett ben brutit, halva hjärtat blöder. Jag hade ingenstans att ta vägen.

Jag träffade människor med uttnyttjande motiv, som önskade mitt fall. jag träffade människor som jag trodde var mina vänner, jag träffade människor som hade aldrig trott på mig.

De sårade mig, de mördade mig i sina hjärtan. Jag grät, jag skrek, jag kröp i smärtan. Smärtan som ingen såg fysisk, smärtan som ingen kan beskriva, bara jag som känner det, bara jag som ser det.
Det blev min utmaning trots allt.

I ensamhet, satt jag framför fönster med ögonen öppna. Jag ser upp till himmelen. Mina tusen tankar drog mig tillbaka där jag har varit. Där jag en gång trots svårigheter kände en trygghet. Mitt hemland. Min älskade Filippinerna. Min käraste land, mitt språk, mitt folk.

I ensamhet tänkte jag, vad gör jag här. I ensamhet kände jag min sårbarhet, jag kända känslan av döden, men döden kom inte till mig. Mitt hjärta slog som aldrig förr, och mina tårar flödar fritt, det sved i själen. Jag visste inte att det skulle känna så hårt.
Mycket utmaning. Mycket att ta itu med. Och jag var själv. Vissa nätter under vintern tittar jag upp i himmelen, vaken mitt i natten. Fascinerad av snön som faller på mitt ansikte, och på nån sekund rörde mitt hår. Kylan som talar att jag lever i alla fall. I mörkret av den kalla vintern, Talar jag för mig själv och väntar på svar.. När? När ska det här ta slut? Och tårarna rann som vattenfall. Jag kände, en ängel rörde min själ. En styrka och hopp från himmelen.

Gud hörde mina bön. Och Gud tröstat mig. I mörkret lärde jag känna att det finns ett ljus. Och i mörkret, vet jag att stjärnorna kan lysa klart för mig att se. Att imorgon nör jag vaknar, det kommer bli en bättre framtid. Och imorgon kommer bli en annan dag.

Trots allt, träffade jag även människor som älskade mig, tyckte om mig, kramade mig, hälsade på mig, och bad för mig. Träffade människor som satt med mig, lyssnade på mig, och höll min hand utan ord. Vissa har kommit med ett leende och gav sina tankar utan fördömande ord. För en stund kände jag att de bryr sig utan kostnaden.
En liten stund kom jag ihåg dagar och nätter när jag viskade i luften, jag vet att vinden tog med sig det till himmelen.

Jag tackar.. För allt du gör…
Jag tackar.. För att du lyssnade..
Jag tackar.. För att du kom förbi utan att känna dig tvungen.
Jag tackar.. För du älskade mig trots allt.
Jag tackar.. För att du gav mig tid..
Jag tackar.. För du satt bredvid i min ensamhet..

Det svårt att känna som jag gör.. Det svårt att beskriva mona känslor..
Utan ord, utan min kroppsspråk…
Du visade att du bryr dig…
Även om jag inte har vågat säga…
Innerst i mitt hjärta..
Jag tackar att du finns.