There have been many issues is my life that I thought I couldn’t survive, some of the event had left a trace in my heart and bad thoughts in my memories. I can’t even imagine how I made it through or how I found the strength to put my feet back on track. There were times when I failed, people had judged me according to their measurements. It was easy for others to speak so much about how a person would get by life’s struggle but were not available to give a helping hand. It was easy to put themselves into the seat of a judge without balancing their judgement. It was corrupt. And it had left me flashes of pain.
I lived in an undesirable environment with people that has to tell me how to do things rathan teach me how to walk it. I lived with the thoughts “what they say matters in here”. But as life goes on, the four walls of my closed doors speaks the truth of who I am. It screams the need of change and the unstability reveals the weakness – a need of a true guidance.., -without self-deceit from others. The walls were the witness of myself, Incomplete, broken and easily swayed away. Was it because I thought I couldn’t do any thing at all? Or was it because I thought that they are the only right that I knew of? Either way, what they had said and what they told me… Did not Matter in the end-
I have noticed that nothing of these things matters because behind closed doors, I was alone when I cried and hit my heart many times because the pain consumed me. I was alone when I fought and God was my hiding place and strength to move on. It was not the religious affirmations that contributed to my well-being. Only the study of Torah!
Whatever they spoke and said, did not contribute a spot of strength but a huge of fear and incomplexity in me. Every step I took made me feel afraid of what others have to say, Every thing that I speak must adjust on what others feel. Not that I have to be disrespectful, but mostly I wanted to speak things as they are – without any hidden information. But that is also unacceptable to others.
Over the years, I struggled alone with the fight inside. I heard different opinions from each side and those words made me feel worried and worse. Thats when depression comes, you loose the interest and there is no sense of value in life. People would think I am strange because I sometimes have the feeling to wanting have friends but actually not wanting so much contact, wanting to meet people but not liking too much socializing. We are unaware sometimes that as we speak, our words can contribute either to build up or to destroy others – spiritually.. But as for me, I have learned to navigate myself through different circumstances. I have learned where to lay my eyes on and where to focus my ears and where to walk my feet. And it is amazing to find your strength not by physical upbeat but in your soul.
I tried to find self-esteem in fitness, in sports, in all kinds of creativity and practice to find peace. Instead of stillness, it gaved me the feeling that I need affirmation to know that I do my best. It was actually like using your hurt to get up – which will make you weary from the inside.
I found out that Peace cannot be achieved by self modification but with a motivation to forgive others without any hesitation no matter what or how they caused pain and damage to you. There is a willingness from the inside to create a harmony of stillness in the mind not needing any affirmation through physical activities. I do not say that Physical creativity is not useful – it is! The thing is that, it cannot contribute to peace if it is only a cover-up to build self-esteem. Most of the Mind problems cannot be solved from the outer core of our bodies – merely a full restoration from the inside. True peace is like, you will not need any affirmation from many people to talk around you on what and how to do. It is a built-in confidence you know? If you lost that, Maybe it is enough with few trustworthy friends to have a conversation regarding your weakness and strength. And from that point, it is up to you wether you will use your strength to invest in time forgiving others and a sense of acceptance on what had happened in your life. Just take time, You know things don’t change in a day. So One special thing to remember is, BE PATIENT! BE HOPEFUL AND HAVE FAITH! LEARN TO WAIT, And WORK UNDERPRESSURE!
The most interesting part for me is, I have been involved in many different beliefs and religious activities, yet none of them can fill the emptiness I had inside. So I stopped being religiously connected or I mean, I stopped being a church attendant (not that I forbid others to do so but if you want peace, you should know yourself first before interacting with so many people). I took my faith as a life. I lived it everyday. I joined people whom are studying the faith, searching for possibilities to change their course of life to become better and contribute to become a law-abiding citizen. It was actually different to read at home, meeting people with same faith, having a deep conversation about spirituality. Deep in the conversations and readings, I found that King Solomon has a lot of counsel towards people who have never yet found their understanding of life. A book to consider about growing in faith, wisdom and navigation to life pointing towards God.
I stopped listening to people whom are filled with envy and filled with so much talk about others. I stopped spending time with people who do not have any motivation of change at all. I stopped making friends with people whom are time consumers instead, I gained friends whom are filled with creativity, Faith involvement and Life changing stories. People whom are trying their best to become a better person each day. Making a good influence on others. One thing I did not stop is –— SMILING, being HAPPY and Adventourous in life..
After all! The Journey continues!