What if Pain is not to Repent?

When I was pushed down the stair and I broke a leg, Do I need to repent ask forgiveness from others? If that’s the case, I must be in a wrong environment..

I realised the more I got deeper in learning about my faith, the more I am refined. The more things getting clear to me. Within christianity, around 30% are bullies and careless in their mouth. It is indeed reverse from the teachings of Yeshua

I had experienced tremendous humiliation from certain people and all the words that were spoken were so degrading that it took deep scars in my heart. I might best write it down to allow myself to heal eventually by sharing it to an unspoken world within the cyber world. It is indeed very difficult to handle bully within christianity because it is filled with self acclaims from people who sees themselves teachers or knowledgeable in scriptures., I once was measured because of my story. For instance, I learned not to share to much within a prayer circle, because you wouldnt know who would use it against you later or you wouldnt know who would defame you and use the information to make you feel bad about yourself.

I find it as well difficult to fight those who are popular and gained thousands of views on internet. I just realised it was not actually their business if I wanted to keep my private life within my boundaries. In my own opinion I think especially if you are married, all the things that happens is not others business at all. But in the end, I have shared some part of it to this group of people and even to this popular person. So in a video they created, they summoned up words and justification of who I am and what I am. all the messages I received from people whom are “christians” were not acceptable.

And I turned myself some comfort and understanding towards the family of my husband and friends. One by one, because of similar connection, they hanged me up and left me fighting with my own emotions and with my own thoughts. I ended up in police reporting the video that humiliated me without cause. Then I realise, I truly know whose got my back without changing anything. I even doubt my husband for now. I guess he do not have any choice but to support me because I am his wife.

I actually didn’t need to be conformed about my emotional stress regarding the things I worry about. I know and Im aware It cannot help me anything at all. But the fact that I know that I have extended families, I thought somehow they would understand and consider the suffering. But it seemed easy for many to just draw back and show that they don’t want to be involved at all. As for me, I didn’t wished anyone on my side. But at least to know someone understands how I feel and that I dont need to be justified or asked why I feel this way.

And I sigh.. Deep within… Is this Christianity? Well.. It is far from Yeshua and I’m glad I can see it despite of difficulties in relationships. I might be tampered as difficult person or might be some any name they can come up with. But the fact that none had actually know me personally… Will never make any sense at all.

Yet days pass by and I will be digging myself to pull out the roots from all the pain these people had caused me. This does not affect my faith. It makes me strong instead.

Repentance was not a problem but the hurt is. Because it literally destroyed me from the inside. Most people that has problems sometimes does not need to repent. Mostly it was the hurt. It is the same as if someone pushed you down the stair. And you accidentally broke a leg. You wont say sorry or repent because you fell but you literally hurt caused of injury and memory of who pushed you down. And that sense you will need in medical care, a therapist to train you get back again the track. So i will need help through prayers. Today im going to work at 3pm to 9..thanks for responding. God bless you