You can change if you want to!

In the presence of dismay and disappointment, there is no room for logic. Every good things is not in mind and the innocence of hope is replaced by fear, anger and frustration. But where do I begin?

Have you ever been into situations where you were lost? I have. Except from sexual abuse, I had a difficult childhood which caused traumatic stress disorder. Maybe i felt more confused than lost in some situations. Yet lost in feelings and emotions. As a grown up I was labelled liar, prostitute, garbage, stupid, fool, ugly, not intelligent. And in my adulthood, I was called adulterous, attention seeking, power hunger and many more. I find it hard to have so much stamps over yourself and however you want yourself to change, to others it won’t matter. Bullies and degrading treatment are not over by childhood years, the worst bullies are adults. But I take this a challenging times. And I encourage others who goes the same thing to be strong and never give up.

How shall I divert the thoughts of disappointment and the feelings of dismay into the position of positivity? I asked for help in times of insanity and frustration as I turned myself towards those I looked up to..the “church people” and yet time and again the answer was ” we will pray for you”. There was no offer of getting me out of the clouds that wrapped me up in a rollercoaster ride. In the end, that’s when I realised, it’s the psychologists job to do. Which in fact a church elder shall have as a position to help a person depressed. Or suicidal.

And I turned towards people that I trusted, I waited for a hand to raise me up yet the answer I received was stunning. I became the traitor and a liar.

I realised that all of us are quick on judgements upon others situation. Sometimes even if it is dear to us, we usually push them away whenever we see them do wrong, sometimes we don’t have a good manner on how to guide a lost person into the right path. We mostly make a quick decision when we hear things about others, forgetting that once we were in that position and we were in need of help. Now when we had the power to guide others, we mostly think it’s right to instruct the rules and apply it upon them rather than show them how they shall do and take their hand and take them out of the ditch. Generally, people usually push another person deeper into the ditch rather than take them out. We forget to weigh judgements. And we work as prosecutors over others. Isn’t it irony, we hear it preached on the pulpit, spoken on the lectures, and written on literatures that we shall have patience and understanding towards others, that we shall be open in our hearings to execute right judgements, and yet we mostly do the reverse. And depression is such a horrible place to be caused by different situations that has never been cleared out in a person’s life. Either physical abuse, emotional or verbal.

Being alone in the fight, I had to struggle by myself. And to divert the connections about a certain person to a certain event to certain emotion, I have to learn to give up the contact and accept the fact that the event already occurred and cannot be replayed again. I had to learn the process in daily life by forgiving and releasing myself from the connection with the people that hurt me and. I had to learn to forgive myself about certain events that connect to the painful memories that causes a strong emotional distress and a repetition of flashbacks that delays my healing process. I had to renew my mind by giving up on seeing myself as a victim because nothing happens for a reason and it does not happen because I deserved it, rather things happens because we all are humans who fails to do the right thing and we mostly fulfil the lusts of our bodies in different forms like embarrassing others, killing, gossip, abuse and others.

I learned this year’s that it does not matter what others says about me. Because I live the life I walk and I do my best to make things right. I don’t need to reaffirm myself whenever others remind me of my past, because I know that their purpose of reminding is to make me return to that certain event that would make me feel anxious which will cause me undefensive and frustrated. I am certain that people that surrounds us who knew us from the past can never be ignored but I also know that although they had been your friends, you shall never give them a key to hurt you or use your emotions to beat you.

The past had been done, and if by some reasons you have done wrong and committed mistakes, who else did not? And if by some situations you had committed huge failures, who else did not? This is the tragic of life and I or we have to accept that the past belongs there and that we don’t need to reaffirm ourselves from certain people, events or emotions that was attached to it. Learn to forgive and Let go. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, to forgive is to set yourself free from the certain events and people that causes your emotions to be distorted. It is giving you a passage to make change because of the event and making you strong enough to face a better future. Claim your joy by renewing your mind through new thoughts everyday. It might be hard in the beginning but once you train yourself to imagine your good future, you will be able to control your body and emotions to affirm about what’s ahead of you. And you will see that the past indeed will stay behind and it will never have power over you anymore.

Believe without seeing and have hope in believing.

Always be thankful before sleeping and even when you wake up. Look forward not backwards.

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