It’s been four years when I was a captive of depression and PTSD. My insanity was too deep and medications could not even help. I kept a lot of anger, unforgiveness, hate, jealous and have even only love for myself. I was more focus on what the world has. 》please do not like if you do not read 《
I have been challenged to share my Testimony. I grew up in a Christisan home, we were poor and does not even have enough money for a days meal. Papa was a Catholic and Mother belongs the Church of Christ(INC). We were a family without speaking about what FAITH truly is. Who Jesus is. We never spoke what the Word was and I have never seen life changed in them. We never discussed Scriptures not when vistors of Church are coming.
I became a byproduct of the world. I was abused as a child, I was rejected, I was not loved and liked and my mother does not show motherhood towards me. She was always hard to me. Hits me with a two inches tree, or sometimes a shovel. 1994 my parents collapsed in marriage. in my Childhood years, I was molested twice by relative. In my teenage years, I was rebellious.I worked for my siblings to help my dad, but onside I am a rebellious young one. at 14 I was involved in drugs, alcohol, prostitution, gang business, political party movements that involves alcohol and gossip and many broken homes. I was with people involved in sexual immoralities, corruption and gamblers. I LIVED by the norms of the world, and by which called normal by everyone.
I was engaged with high officials, I was engaged in heavy drug use and gangs of same interests. I had back-ups of different authorities and I saw the limelight of the world. I lived a luxurious life involving prestige, alcohol luxury. I knew God, but I only thought He was not looking after me. I thought that I don’t have a space in His Kingdom and that He is just a fiery God and that love they talk about is just not real. because I don’t see it to those who claimed to be a Christian. I had no definition at all what Christian truly meant. I threw my life away to the pit of destruction because I thought I am not important to anyone. I have experienced fame and glamour in the limelight of my teenage years. I’ve beheld the reknown of my town and I was popular. A woman known in her young age with a capabilities and power. My life was good I think, but in my loneliness, I go back to my poverty. I saw how my siblings sleeps in a small house, sometimes my consciense strikes me hard but with alcohol I numbed my emotions away. I kept my anger and hatred against my mother who abused me and rejected me. I kept my anger against God and cursed my life to the end. My life became miserable. I enjoyed and flawed into the world, they liked me because I engaged in their interests. I finally met my first serious relationship 2003 but he was same broken like me. We made our lives separate from the world and made it beautiful until it had shown he would just leave me. My heart was devastated and I bear my hatred and cursed him worst to life. Because of another unforgiveness I gave back myself to where I’ve been. Promised myself that no one would gonna use my heart for self interest again. ever. 2004 – I was abuse sexually on my birthday. And I was blamed for trusting a relative’s friend,I was called stupid and dumbed. The man almost killed me. I was pointed by a machete on my neck, I was threatened to die. I was imprisoned for abuse in 51 days, I prayed to God. If you are real.Show to me a way out of here. If you have a plan for my life. Give me life right now and the strength that I need to escape this hell. And I remembered the man told me to clean the empty house nearby. The gates were of thick Iron and Metal. My hands are small enough and I thought if I would climb, I would die from the spears or iron of the gate. So I said, Lord God in heaven. May your will be done. If I die today in his hands, it is indeed your will that I have no more purpose. Then I saw the gate that was locked, was opened. In shocked, I did not know what to do, my heart was strongly beating. And I heard a voice that shouts behind me!! RUN!! RUN FASTER!! Looking back, My clothes were broken and my face were bruised. And I was amazed that my strength were great when I have not eaten for almost a week. I run until the voice stopped. And someone said, You are safe. I didnt have money but there was a man who helped me and brought me to Authorities. My cousins came and helped me get back home. We filed a case but the man was not found and the case was dismissed because of lack of money. I was not healed and the trauma scarred my every day life. I lived in fear and disgust. I lived in anger and hatred. I lived with sadness in my heart. I met few men, fell in love but did not prosper. I got pregnant, and all I did was to work and leave the responsibility to my younger sister. But the man I met, decided to get marry although my Father disagree. My thoughts would be to forget all the things and put it all behind me. All the hurt, rejection, failures, brokenness, wounded heart needs to recover to a new place. Sweden. And I did what I wanted. I prayed to God and I noticed, He lheard my prayer. Well, I still doubted. And God allowed me to travel far abroad from Philippines. Got married and thought life would be fine. I left my child back home. My heart grew for the love for my child. I’ve met my insanity and all the flashbacks went back to my reality. The man I have married was verbally abusive and has alcohol problems. I was sent out naked in the winter time. I swept the floor in the nights when he was drunk. I’ve covered my ear to pretend I didnt hear nothing. Ive swallowed the horrible words i heard. Police had been involved and everything became horrible for me. I was reminded of my past. Few years later, we brought my child to sweden. Indeed he has a heart of a good father. but not for me. Few years later I gave birth to my daughter. My responsible grew. I push the kids stroller in winter time. There were moments when the kids had a birthday party and he got drunk. My fear ate me and the police came and brought us to a hotel, but because of my fear that God does not want divorce, I came back. Many times.. and life as a family was too impossible to reach. We did not worked it out. Finally in 2010. I accepted Jesus. Life turned. I am a new creation. not yet born again in that definition.
Jeremiah 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
In 2013. I was baptised in tongues. I will not speak much about it because I strongly believe in it.
in 2015 I came to my own conscience that baptism is my step for the forgiveness of sins.I understood that it is one of the key to understand that I wanted to bury the old life and rise up to life in Jesus Christ. and from there, I truly felt FREEDOM spoken in Romans 6 and truly a new creation.
>2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
>Galatians 2:20 ESV I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
>Isaiah 43:18-19 ESV “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
>2 Corinthians 5:17-21 ESV Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
I felt more likely to a newborn. And indeed I felt a great hope in me because I found righteousness of God in my life. By simply accepting Jesus. My Soul came to life and my path found light. I came to life and Jesus gave me that. I no longer live for myself but for the kingdom of God. ANd life has just started, For God make possible ways to change me day by day for His own Glory. as John 9:1 speaks about the boy born of blindness. I saw that its not about the sin of my parents that made me go through hardships. But for the Glory of God to be seen in my life, I have to go through it all that the Power of God be manifested and change me Radically. *************************************************************************************************** My heart felt a new hope. I was convicted to talk to my mother the first time and talked about what ive thought. and I thought all was good.I did not totally toltally spoke I am sorry and I didnt even bother for forgiveness. But still My heart is filled with anger, unforgiveness, past, abusive talk and brokenness. I collapsed insanely. I fell in bed for 30 days. not much eating, depressed, stressed, anxiety, suicidal. I was diagnosed and in medication for Post Traumatic Stress, and depression. I thought I am in breakthough. But I was just starting. My marriage failed. and I fall into temptations. 2013 we Divorced and the paper got through in 2014..
2012- Ive learned to play a guitar. And from there I prayed and sung for the Lord. In 2013, God allowed me to go home to Philippines. But for a purpose. To meet my first relationship, to decree forgiveness from my lips and relaease the blessing. I was hurt and brokenhearted. I kept my anger towards him all these 10 years. I kept my anger and questioned why he left without goodbye. Why he lied and made my heart die of love. The Lord said, For you to learn to love is to walk in it. But you cannot walk in it when you are filled with anger and unforgiveness. GO home and speak to him. So I searched where he was. And When I arrived. I was anxious. I didnt know what I would feel when I would see him. I believe God say aleady that I am ready for this. So when I saw him, I cried as my knees were shaking. I hugged him and told him, ” I release you from all the curse I have spoken. I forgive you and I let you go now ”. When I said those words he said ”How come you could not forget when it was 10 years ago.and I said. It was about time I must be free from your promises and I must free you from the words I have spoken. He was stunned and said that I am not the same and I am changed. Proudly I spoke: it was because Jesus loves me. And Ive never heard him asked for forgiveness. But that day. I felt like 17 again. Like I am ready again for a new life. and my heart was more easier that before.
Day after day, I fought against myself, my loneliness until the Spirit of God confronted me. Forgive those who harmed you. I was confused. To be healed is to forgive. I thought I am hallucinating. Because I thought that all the prayers I’ve done before means I forgave them, not until understood it’s about honesty from the heart. Second time, The Spirit said: Forgive those who harmed you. And I searched my life, I went back through hurtful memories. I have found my old garbage in mind. Molested. I decided to open up my heart and forgive. I’ve spoken to my family. Some were supportive, and some were rude to me. I was again told stupid for keeping it so long. My Father understood and was bursting in anger. But I gave him the Lord Jesus words to never stir up anger for hate gives birth. And peace resided in my family. The Spirit again said few weeks later, Forgive the man whom have almost killed you. And I remember my hatred came up like fire. It stirred my senses and emotions as I would remember what he did to me. I was to die. And I remember that I could stir up another file to sew him up. That in my thought, now there’s money. I can take vengeance. But God says: Forgive so that the Father in Heaven will forgive your sins. Wait for me says the LORD of hosts. I will take vengeance for you, be still and know that I am God. So it took me few days before I decided to forgive. And all of the sudden, I could sleep well again. I ended up my medications because I could sleep enough. Whenever I feel loneliness, fear and depressed, I play the guitar. and Sing out to God. The Spirit of God says again: Let go of your mother. And deep inside of me, I couldnt. I still love her and I was chasing to have her love. I was like a cry-baby to God.
> Matthew 10:29-31 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
So I forgave her and let go. I was afraid I would loose her. But God meant to let go of her so that I could see in a new Spirit. in a clean mind and heart of understanding. I Longed for mother’s love. and I wait too long for her to say she LOved me. But when God said
> Jeremiah 31:3 The Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.
Indeed, I took the words spoken to me. And I felt peace. And the love I have never felt made me feel like a new person. MAde me feel I was never like this before. I felt like a new born child although I am a grown up person. And I saw myself smiling and thinking happy thoughts towards other people. And I asked the Lord God. How shall I walk like Jesus? ANd He said. Take your Cross and follow me. I couldnt fathom what it meant. But He simply said, WALK IN LOVE. WALK IN LIGHT AND WALK IN WISDOM I said: does not I love enough? I am kind and I am helpful. Yes You are God said. But thats not enough. For you must be purified for you belong in Kingship, a Daughter of God, a royal blood in the kingdom of Jesus.
> Ephesians 5: Walk in Love 5 Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma. 3 But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; 4 neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. 5 For this you know,[a] that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 7 Therefore do not be partakers with them.
Walk in Light 8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the Spirit[b] is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), 10 finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. 11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret. 13 But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light. 14 Therefore He says:
“Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light.” Walk in Wisdom 15 See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, 16 redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
17 Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, 20 giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.
And I said, Lord, People keep telling me I am like this and I am like that, ANd God said. Do not let anyone measure you for it will be measure unto them the same measurement they put upon you. Do as I say. And God helped me to change. I lost friends whom I thought were with me. God changed my attitudes. My tongue were tamed. I was taught to be more energized and full of life.
Although the church people prayed for me all the time, seem not one really cared for my change. They were busy on their business. I was confronted many times because they think I have many things that does not fit their eyes. They thought I am always seeking for attention. When all I thought was, where is their love and care when I need someone to talk to. I felt ashamed I was called that I was talking too much ANd that I contain sin inside of me. But I am strong and steadfast in my decisions. And I was called hardheaded. Because I was not listening. How would they know I am changed when my testimony is not even heard. When I am about to share, I felt bad because no one listened and no one cared. So I said to the Lord. Why is it so they want to discipline me when you know me more than them? Why would you allow this to happen.? And there was a scripture that was spoken to me:
> 1 John 3:20-21 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God > Romans 14:22 So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves.
I was hurt, and I remember that I looked like a fool whenever I go to church because I know I will hear something about me again. I felt more like I am the only one sinning. And I was amazed when I saw everyone preaching. Until I stood in prayer and I am convinced to change my circle group. So I did. And Everytime I see her feel hurt, but the church people think I hated her. In the beginning I did. But i went home with bursting tears and forgiven her. Because I was left without no one. I rested my case and no one was able to listen to me, whenever they wanted to talk to me. The whole bunch of church would be present and I would feel awkward. And one would say: Be humble. Forgive. Over and Over everytime I feel so hurt and sad. I would hear the same thing. Until One day I asked and doubted myself? Am I not humble enough? Isnt God looking when I said seriously that I forgave? And my heart grew with mourning.. So I lost a friend in church and I was chasing her back. Seeing that she was more happy enough with someone, I felt more brokenhearted again. and told I was jealous. Maybe not. It was just to think that I am alone. I cried night and day. and my heart was piercing in pain. And I was reminded of this one verse: > Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. And I thought. Yeah. I am in adversity. But where are my friends? I see my husband. I see My God and His SPirit comforts me. ANd I long to have a friend. ANd so God said. Stop searching for You are a friend of Jesus. And The Spirit of God comforted me. To some people in church, questioned me. Ask yourself why you failed in relationship, why you failed your past marriage. why you lost your friend. Yes. I did. And I am sorry I do not have friends. Its because They think I am not right enough. But that is for God to measure and say. And I was schocked! but Remembered the word >Isaiah 43:18-19 “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
in 2014 March. I met a new man. I was so much afraid I would fall again into the same situation. ANd I said to God. If this is your will. Let this bus I am riding on go to our meeting place without hindrance. So we met. And He kissed me. But I refused and said to God. I will never be taken away by a kiss. But let it be your will now And may this man accept the name of my Lord Jesus to be his Lord and Saviour.. May he agree to pray with me then I know that it is him you are giving me. For I dont want to be apart from you My God. For you are great in my life than a man that would just live with me for a while. You are forever. So in that same year. God made it possible for me to be married. The man accepted Jesus. In one day, he became a Christian. Not knowing his mother does not like Christians. And it came to pass that we are together on sundays. we are together in prayer meetings- God made us a good couple and together we started joining the Prayer Mountains on a 3am. My husband Loves me dearly. I have never been treated like a real wife before and I am thankful to God Fo all his goodness upon my soul. To Him all Glory belongs.
in 2015 – Philippine travel. God had a purpose. The second week – A Pastor Friend told me – You can share your testimony in my church if you like. at a moment. I was reminded of who I was and how I have been treated in church and I told myself, I wouldnt be another stepping stone for anger and hate. For the devil stands at my door waiting to devour me. Now I understood why I couldnt share in the church, it was for a reason. So I said Yes! I will share. I was told I would share for about 50 people or 80. But when I came, more than a 100 was there. Kids, women and men and teens. I am shaking in shyness but the Lord was my strength and people cried and became emotional. My story became an encouragement even to my Pastor friend. – We ministered with a friend with her street children ministry. all were 15 young boys. few were blind. One of the blind were my playmate on the street when I was seven. And we shared the gospel. they were attentive and very happy.
-The Third week. we ministered again the street kids and lo! they were doubled. A woman with heart disease got healed. A woman with a staff whom have back pains and knee pains got healed. The teens who stood aside and heard the word were touched by the word and changed. Many had been realeased. Joined a church meeting same week. and then the Pastor prayed for a woman whom have a bump in her stomach got healed. the doctor released her. ANd The Pastor told me and my husband. The Lord blessed you with a healing ministry. SO I give all the Glory and HOnor to God..and to the KIng of Kings.. Lord Jesus is to be praised.
***************************************************************************************** Now I am free from all emotional bondage. I am free from all bitterness and wrath. I am friends with all my enemies. ANd my enemies are at peace with me. From all sins. Although day by day I fall short, God knows I asked for direct forgiveness and guidance. SO I bless the Lord…ALways..!!
then the Lord keeps reminding me. Isaiah 55:8-9 (NKJV) 8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. 9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”